To celebrate Halloween in the best ol’ spooky way one knows how, you should do what I did and rent a cabin in the woods. By a lake! Preferably a deserted spot, where it is super grey, windy, and cold, and ideally raining non-stop, and there are lots and lots of windows devoid of any covering so that murderers can watch every move you make. Throw in a lighthouse in the distance, just close enough so that you always know there’s something out there on the water, but far enough that you can’t quite make out if it’s an asylum or what. And don’t forget a really deep basement where the stairs have no handrail, the lights are broken, there’s the constant sound of dripping water, and critters. Thanks, Lake Erie, for being perfect. Check.

Oh, and during the day go for walks to explore the area and realize that every business is shuttered and the population is 45. But no matter! You can ponder how old fossils are and how coral and sea slugs have left their marks for all of time in rock beds but if you were to, say, meet your untimely demise at the hands of a murderer in the woods, just as an example, you’re merely a speck in the fabric of time. Thanks Rock Point Provincial Park, for bringing perspective home. Check.

Oh, and when you get home be sure to watch movies that are slow and creepy and psychologically menacing so that everyone gets ridiculously scared and can’t sleep the whole night and insists that lights be left on the entire time it’s dark, thus allowing previously acknowledged murderers to see you EVEN MORE CLEARLY THAN BEFORE. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO WINDOW COVERINGS. Thanks, Netflix’ Insidious and Night House. Check.

Then, buzzing from Reese’s Pieces and paranoia, try to sleep. Good luck. Happy Halloween.